He'd Rather Be Dead Read online

  He’d Rather Be Dead

  George Bellairs

  © George Bellairs 1945

  George Bellairs has asserted his rights under the Copyright, Design and Patents Act, 1988, to be identified as the author of this work.

  First published 1945 by John Gifford Limited.

  This edition published by Endeavour Press Ltd in 2015.

  “Tobacco, coffee, alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions: the surest poison is time.”

  EMERSON

  To Anne and Tom

  Table of Contents

  CHAPTER ONE - THE MAN WHO ROSE FROM NOTHING

  CHAPTER TWO - A BREATH OF EVIL

  CHAPTER THREE - “THE CHIEF CONSTABLE IS A TIME-SERVER”

  CHAPTER FOUR - AT THE WINTER GARDENS

  CHAPTER FIVE - THE TEN DOSSIERS

  CHAPTER SIX - A COOL CUSTOMER

  CHAPTER SEVEN - LAYMEN AT THE FEAST

  CHAPTER EIGHT - CLERGY AT THE FEAST

  CHAPTER NINE - TURNING POINT

  CHAPTER TEN - MURDER IN THE HOUSE OF NONSENSE

  CHAPTER ELEVEN - INQUEST

  CHAPTER TWELVE - THE SORROWS OF A PUB CRAWLER

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN - THE NIGHT OF AUGUST 4TH

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN - PREEDY SHOWS HIS TEETH

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN - CROMWELL’S PERFECT DAY

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN - LITTLEJOHN SUMS UP

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN - THE DANCE OF DEATH

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN - BOUMPHREY GETS BUSY

  CHAPTER NINETEEN - THINGS PAST—I

  CHAPTER TWENTY - THINGS PAST—II

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE - LITTLEJOHN GOES HOME

  Extract from A Knife for Harry Dodd by George Bellairs

  CHAPTER ONE - THE MAN WHO ROSE FROM NOTHING

  Perhaps someday a worthy biographer will write the life story of Sir Gideon Ware as a signpost to guide the young to success.

  Here, however, we are mainly concerned with his death, which occurred at the height of his fame and fortune and shook the country from end to end.

  Gideon Ware was born in Hull. We know nothing of his parents, for he never mentioned them in after life, except to tell how they threw him out at the age of twelve to earn his own living. At twenty he was a bricklayer. At twenty-three he left Hull for personal reasons and turned up at Westcombe. He was sixty when he was murdered at the banquet he was giving to celebrate his election as mayor of the place.

  In its early days, Westcombe was a highly respectable, almost austere resort. Frequented by select little family parties, who boarded at very sedate establishments on the sea-front and came year after year at exactly the same period. A small, rough promenade, a few bathing huts and very discreet pierrots. Little else. By ten o’clock in the evening, the children were all in bed, their elders indoors preparing to retire, and the whole town peaceful and quiet.

  Look at it now, as left by its benefactor, Sir Gideon Ware!

  It has absorbed its neighbours one after another with insatiable appetite.

  Miles of level, concrete promenade fronting an area five times that of the original borough. Acres of pleasure-beach, embracing every kind of device for human entertainment and sensation. Huge hotels, cinemas, theatres, ballrooms, bars. Enormous restaurants and railway-stations. During the season, the latter can hardly hold the vast throngs which come and go from and to every part of England.

  Shouting, singing, brawling and dancing go on until the small hours of the morning.

  Nothing remains of the original Westcombe, but the quaint little harbour, which the mushroom town has thrust aside like a poor relation, down by the river-bank, where the fishermen take home their boats at night after days of pleasure tripping.

  When first he arrived in Westcombe, where bricklayers were temporarily in demand, Ware called at a small beer-house and there, over a pot of ale, overheard two men arranging to buy land for development. Gideon left his beer and somehow contrived to secure an option before the pair of jerry-builders. He made two hundred pounds out of the deal; and that was the beginning. After that, Gideon Ware set about Westcombe with a will!

  He might not, of course, have remained so firmly wedded to the place but for an accident. In 1913, Ware tried his luck elsewhere, overstepped the mark, and became bankrupt. By that time, he was a member of clubs in various parts of the country. When disgrace came his way, those august institutions, metaphorically speaking, passed by on the other side. Each of them accepted his resignation from membership before he had time to tender it.

  All except the Westcombe Constitutional Club. Its committee were so busy cashing-in on the building boom that they quite forgot to blackball Gideon. He never forgot it. He thought of the W.C.C. as his friend indeed and when he re-made his fortunes and earned a knighthood in 1918 by building huts for the Government, he made straight for his old haunts, settled down there for good, and gave the W.C.C. the finest headquarters that money could buy.

  He then set out to put Westcombe on the map, and, by Jove, he did it with a vengeance! Look at the posters on every hoarding and the hundreds of thousands of guide books annually scattered nation-wide!

  Sir Gideon would not, however, join the town council until he had had enough of building and finance and decided to retire and become a gentleman. Then he put up and was elected. Two years later he became Mayor, long before his rightful turn.

  And now, we take steps to be in at the death.

  It is about noon on a sunny day in August. The awning is out over the door and approach of the Town Hall at Westcombe. The red official carpet has been unrolled on the steps and the corporation silver plate has been taken from the bank and laid on the tables of the banqueting hall. This is the day on which His Worship the Mayor gives his annual lunch to the Borough officials.

  A number of holiday-making sightseers have gathered in knots on the pavement, and two policemen have arranged them in orderly and becoming lines. When, however, the audience discovers that the Prime Minister or, at least, the Regional Commissioner is not expected, but only the Mayor and retinue, they begin to melt away. They can see such palavering at home any day!

  By old custom in Westcombe, the officials honour the Mayor by a dinner each November after his election. His Worship returns the compliment in August, when visitors are in full spate and are in the mood to gasp and gape and say how wonderful it all is.

  This Year of Grace 1942, it is to be something special. For, whenever Sir Gideon Ware does anything, he beats the band. This time No Expense Spared and Black Markets shriek from the menu.

  Hors d’Oeuvres.

  Barley Cream Soup or Clear Cold.

  Fillets of Sole Mornay. Anchovy Sauce.

  Lamb Cutlets and Peas. Fried Potatoes.

  Cold Chicken and Tongue.

  Cold Asparagus. Salads. Tomatoes.

  Fruit Tart and Cream.

  Charlotte Russe.

  Bombe Gideon.

  Cheese. Celery. Fruits. Coffee.

  Canon Silvester Wallopp, incumbent of the largest church in Westcombe, could not resist it! An epicure of the first water, he had firmly decided to give the lunch a miss, but when he saw the menu (the chef, who was a member of his flock, let him have a peep) he gave in.

  The Canon has been deeply offended by the Mayor. Hitherto, he has been Mayor’s Chaplain, ex officio. Ware is a Roman Catholic, but instead of appointing the priest, Father Manfred, has picked on the Rev. Titus Gaukroger, head of the Beach Mission, if you please! “He’s put religion on the map in Westcombe,” said Sir Gideon. “Honour where honour’s due, I always say.” And it was so.

  Canon Wallopp is by far the most imposing of the guests. Six feet and clad in fine raiment. A heavy, round red face with roving little eyes. Viewed through the golden glass of th
e vestibule where we first meet him, wondering where he’s left his ticket of invitation and fuming inwardly because he can’t enter without it, he looks like a dog-fish in aspic. Some toady once told him he was the image of Cardinal Wolsey. Later, our friend Inspector Littlejohn is to notice in him a strong resemblance to a casual alcoholic tout who shouts loudly in front of a cheapjack-auctioneer’s shop on the promenade. The Canon is a bachelor, too, and very partial to innocuous dalliance with young ladies, like the warden of a seraglio, or as he himself expresses it, in loco parentis.

  Now, the Canon walks eagerly into the dining-hall, cutting dead on the way the Official Chaplain and Father Manfred, slips on the polished floor and measures his length. Fortunately, this accident in no way impairs his appetite, for he later gormandises his way steadily through all the courses, alternatives and all.

  The great hall of the Municipal Buildings is fine and spacious, the embodiment of the prosperity of a community which derives its extensive revenues from its enterprises. The dining-tables are dwarfed by their surroundings, Lilliputian, and are in the centre of the polished parquet on which Canon Wallopp has just come a cropper. Tall pillars of waxed sycamore, exquisitely grained, soar upwards to an arched roof, further enlarged by a great dome of transparent golden glass, which adds the tint of sunny wine to whatever kind of light penetrates through it.

  On a dais at one end of the room, Sid Simmons and his Ten Hot-Dogs play swing music. Sid is the permanent attraction at the Westcombe Winter Gardens (open from April until October only!), and has brought his “boys” and their hideous noises to honour the Mayor, free of charge. As the party enters, the maestro raises his silver trumpet to the heavens in ecstasy and, wringing his body in a series of awful convulsions, stamping his feet, and rolling his eyes, flings his own arrangement of Liszt’s Liebestraum in a hundred cacophonous bits all over the place. Mr. Cuthbert Acron, Mus.Bac., the town organist, takes Sid aside and reminds him that this is a solemn civic function, not a jungle wake or a Saturnalia. Thereafter, the maestro is in difficulties, for like certain cooks, he cannot concoct a straight dish, but specialises in garnishing existing stuff in odious or exotic trappings. He lays aside his trumpet sadly and for the rest of the time grimaces and waves his hands at the boys who distastefully and unsteadily plough through Strauss waltzes and polkas by Offenbach.

  A congratulatory group gathers round the Mayor. They shake his hand and exchange pleasant or barbed greetings. Sir Gideon makes for the high table and takes his place. Like a flock of rooks alighting, the rest seem somehow to shake themselves into order in next to no time.

  Sir Gideon is clad in his official garb. Purple robes trimmed with scarlet and ermine. Cocked-hat and chain of office, the latter with a gold link, an inch long, for every Mayor since the creation of the borough—thirty-six of them. What it will be like at the centenary celebrations is a faint municipal nightmare already!

  Ware is a stoutly-built man of middle stature, with short arms and legs. Round, florid face, sandy moustache, dark mottled complexion and eyebrows like tufts of grey cotton wool. His nose is small, snub and thick at the roots. Low forehead, merging into a bald head with close-clipped white hair at the back. His eyes are grey, malicious and set in pouches of wrinkles. With a podgy hand he gestures to the head waiter to begin.

  Mr. Gaukroger looks outraged and disappointed. They are starting without saying grace!

  Grace has been waived. So have many other things, including formal arrangement of seating in order of precedence. Sir Gideon has fixed that according to his own dictatorial tastes and sense of humour.

  “No toasts either,” he also said.

  “Oh, just one, sir, … or two. First ‘The King.’ One to you; and another to the guest of honour,” deferentially suggested the Borough Treasurer and mayor’s majordomo.

  “All right, then. But no more. There’s too many coming who like the sound of their own voices. If we get them going, we’ll be here all night and I’ve work to do in the afternoon, if you other chaps haven’t.”

  He was always hinting that the corporation officials were underworked and overpaid.

  The high-table guests, who have been hanging round His Worship’s chair and place, dissipate themselves to their proper seats as indicated in the plan by the door.

  There, in his glory sits Sir Gideon.

  Then, to his right, the guest of honour, Mr. Wilmott Saxby, chairman of the neighbouring Urban District Council of Hinster’s Ferry. A square-set, little fellow, with a mop of white hair and a little white moustache. He looks surprised to find himself where he is.

  Beyond Saxby, the Rev. Titus Gaukroger, gaunt, bony, long-faced and pale. With long, knobby fingers he clutches the water carafe specially placed before him, for he is fanatically T.T. By his side at the extreme end of the table, Canon Wallopp cutting him dead and concentrating on the victuals.

  At Sir Gideon’s left hand is the Town Clerk, Mr. Edgar Kingsley-Smith, a tall, lean, clever-looking solicitor and a member of an old Westcombe family. Next comes the Deputy-Mayor, plain Tom Hogg, one of three Socialists on the Council. A sturdy, forthright man is Tom, beloved of all the working classes, son of a fisherman and himself a carter until his trade union made him their secretary.

  Lastly, Father Manfred. A long, cadaverous ascetic countenance, with burning eyes and no hair whatever on his head or face. This defect gives him a clean-swept, reptilian appearance. A good friend and a terrible enemy, this Jesuit might be found any day chasing the alcoholic members of his flock from the pubs with a stick, or walking along the promenade with six little boys and girls laughing on either hand. The sight of him in a street where Catholics are rioting brings an awful hush over the place, whilst children will rush from the houses yelling with joy and prattling to clutch the skirts of his cassock.

  On the two arms which radiate from the high table are posted the lesser lights according to Sir Gideon’s malicious sense of humour. Opposite Mr. Oxendale, the bank-manager, sits Mr. Oliver, the Borough Treasurer, with whom he is always quarrelling about rates of interest and commission. Mrs. Pettigrew, J.P., Chairman of Magistrates and a member of the old aristocracy, faces Mr. Pott-Wridley, Head of the Department of Dry Goods and Edible Oils, evacuated to Westcombe from London, and who has requisitioned Pettigrew Hall and forced Mrs. Pettigrew to live over the stables. They cannot bear the sight of each other and glare ferociously through their transparent cold soup. The same applies to two other partners, Mr. Harold Brown, the Magistrates’ Clerk, who has been turned out of his spacious business premises by the Department of Poultry and Incubation, whose Principal is his vis-a-vis, Mr. Ryder, O.B.E. Mr. Boumphrey, the Chief Constable of Westcombe, alone is blessed by having no comrade in hate opposite him or by his side.

  On the other arm of the tables, the Medical Officer of Health, McAndrew, frowns across at Liptrott, editor of the Westcombe Gazette, which has resisted his campaign against inadequate hospital accommodation in the Borough. Opposite Mr. Openshaw, Borough Accountant, sits his implacable opponent on matters of expenditure, Mr. Barcledyne, Chairman of the Westcombe Development Board. There follow Messrs. Whyte, M.A., and Budd, Headmaster of the Westcombe Grammar School and Chairman of the Pleasure Beach Proprietors’ Alliance respectively, a pair like cat and dog—one very superior, the other grossly ignorant scholastically, and proud of it.

  Beyond these, a medley of magisterial, municipal and administrative nonentities.

  The only women present are officials of the town, and magistrates. Male diners are not accompanied by wives or other feminine counterparts. The women of Westcombe have taken this badly and are planning to boycott Lady Ware’s “At Home” next Saturday, which means that they’ll probably all turn up smiling.

  A limited choice of wines has been brought to light from mysterious sources, and circulates. The epicure is not impressed, for whilst the quality of some is good, they are served indiscriminately, without regard to the dish accompanying them.

  Those at the high table drink from ce
remonial silver goblets, the freak gift of a past mayor anxious to impress. That of Sir Gideon bears the Corporation’s arms in fine enamel. It is the mayor’s cup! The lesser lights lower down drink from glass vessels.

  Oswald, the head waiter, has given the signal. His underlings begin to deploy and circulate like planets round the sun. They must be subject, like the orbs of heaven, to some law, but only Oswald seems to know it. They race hither and thither, sweating, running, serving with little jerky movements which convulse the whole of their bodies. At any time, one expects them to rise from the floor and fly over and around the guests like winged Mercuries, dropping the courses like manna on their plates.

  Soup. Joint. Sweets. The tail-end of the repast. They all come and go. Canon Wallopp ploughs through them. Now he’s busy at the asparagus, like a conjurer who has swallowed a hard-boiled egg and immediately afterwards tugs from his gullet the flags of all nations. Again, pecking at the celery, like a huge, corpulent parrot at a chunk of cuttlefish. Noisily, too. Clickety-chup. Clickety-chup. Gulp. Like those of a voracious earwig the great mandibles of the Canon chew their way through Sir Gideon’s eatables.

  The board is cleared. Coffee, and cigars for those who speak in time. Cigarettes for the rest.

  The toast “The King” is drunk with enthusiasm.

  Mr. Kingsley-Smith is on his feet. The town clerk is a good speaker. Calm and polished. But he is not too comfortable at present. Sir Gideon is a difficult one to whom to hand bouquets or render thanks. Still, as head official, Mr. Kingsley-Smith must rise to the occasion. He balances himself on his heels, slips a nonchalant hand in his pocket and beams around.

  “Mr. Mayor, ladies and gentlemen …”

  And he goes on to look here, upon this picture, and on this. Westcombe before Ware; Westcombe after … and so on. Like an advertisement for a patent medicine.

  All the time, Sir Gideon regards him with a twisted smile, mingling pride of achievement with scorn for the orator.